Prisoners' Log, Day 6: Take That, Stupid Humans!

The reason a lot of dogs have humans as pets is because they are considered to be intelligent beasts. My pets, for example, always know when I need to be fed and rarely allow more than 5 minutes to pass without feeding me one treat or another: they are excellent hunters and are very attuned to all my tummy tickling needs too.

These imposters, on the other hand, are quite clearly thick. I keep leading them to my doggie treat cupboard, jumping up and down on the spot, looking at them expectantly but nine times out of ten they don't seem to get the sodding hint. I am used to being rewarded for waking up (one biscuit), climbing the stairs (portion of my pets' breakfast toast), going for a walk (biscuit! biscuit!), being generally cute (doggie chew!) and for going 5 minutes without a treat (doggie treat! doggie treat!).

Having worked out that my tormentors are hardly blessed in the intelligence department, I decided to test them this morning.

As I was taking Beard Man for his morning walk, I decided that, as Master of the Universe, I should really be carried rather than being expected to walk like mere mortals. So I stopped abruptly, held up my paw and put on the pitiful face (the one that I have been practising in front of the mirror when my captors are out).

Ha! It worked like a dream. I got carried all the way home and then fussed over my Curly Lady.

Unfortunately, the victory was fleeting and the imposters got their own revenge in the most wicked and beastly way possible. They took me to see the vet.

Now, I know for a fact that such a dastardly act is strictly against the Geneva Convention, a case I tried to argue in the waiting room. But my pleas for clemency fell on deaf ears. Oh the humiliation I suffered in that terrible place! To add insult to injury, the vet had the audacity to weigh me and inform my imposters that I am 1.5 kg overweight! Overweight!!! OVERweight?! I'm big-boned, you stupid bloody IMBECILES! Anyone can see that - now shut up and give me a doggie treat. I know my rights!

I clearly can't be expected to survive much longer under this despotic regime, where I am repressed, starved, interrogated and humiliated at every turn. I am desperate for doggie treats, desperate for news of my humans and desperate for more doggie treats - please, if you are reading this: send help (and doggie treats).