When I finally fell into a fitful sleep last night, I already knew trouble was brewing. The tell-tale signs were all there - my pets had started behaving strangely and hoarding clothes; behaviour patterns I have seen before and recognise only too well - so it should have come as no surprise to me today when they left and never returned. The thing is with pets, you want to give them freedom - independence to grow as homeosapians - but it's just so damned hard letting them go out that door. I worry about how they survive out there in the wild, without me protecting them from passing cyclists; but most days I allow them to go and explore safe in the knowledge that they know their way home.
Only today, of course, they did not come home. Where they have gone? No-one can tell. When they will return? None can predict. What will become of me? I only dread to think.
All I know is that since my pets' mysterious disappearance, two imposters have moved in. They arrived one at a time. The curly-haired one arrived first, accompanied by a horrible loud ringing sound as she breached the perimeter walls, which was doubtless meant to distract me. When she realised this technique had failed, she then tried to bribe me. A doggie treat soon came my way. But of course, there's no such thing as a free dog biscuit - there was a price to pay. "Who is a good boy?" she asked.
So, information is what they are after.
Well, I refused to answer, and fixed her in a hard stare instead. Oh, I got my treat but I knew this would not be the end of the matter. People with hair that curly rarely give in so easily.
Only a matter of hours later, back-up arrived in the form of the other, more sinister-looking human. I call him Beard Face. They obviously have a good cop/bad cop routine going on. He asked me the same question - repeatedly - but this time offered no treat as payment for the information. They are obviously desperate for information about Good Boy, but no matter what hardships lay ahead of me, I refuse to reveal his true identity.
My only hope is escape. First, I must gather my strength by eating as many doggie treats as I can get my paws on. Secondly, I must muster help from my canine comrades and have therefore been leaving secret messages in doggie pee against every lamppost in the neighbourhood. Thirdly, I will need to work out what happened to my dear pets, FoodandCuddleLady and WalkiesMan.
Fortunately for me, I am a dog in my prime - fit, strong, fiercly intelligent and more than capable of outwitting these two imposters. I shall bide my time and then - you mark my words - vengeance shall be mine.
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